To birth or not to birth...or where?

Conversation in the car with my 6 and 3 year old girls...



Cailin: Mommy, when you have another baby, where are you going to have it?

Me: You mean, where am I going to birth the baby?

Cailin: Yeah

Me: At home of course, where else would you have a baby?

Cailin: Well, you could have her at the beach!

Avrie: We could build sand castles and eat an icee!

Cailin: And play in the lake while you are having the baby.

Me: That would be slightly practical, fun and entertaining, but a little exposed.

Avrie: OH!! Or on the bus, you like the bus!

Cailin: It would be hard to get the birthing tub on the bus, and then all the water would splash around and get all the people wet. They probably wouldn't like that.

Me: That's true, its not fun to be wet on a bus.

Avrie: But we do like the bus...A LOT!

Me: We do enjoy riding the bus.

Avrie: How about daddy's work?

Cailin: Yeah, I bet daddy has a lot of friends at work that have never seen a baby born before, they would probably like to see our baby born. But it would be hard to carry the birthing tub up the stairs., and maybe they don't have a hose to fill it up, we would probably have to use buckets. That would take a long time, but Anthony could help.

Me: Yes, there are probably a lot of people at daddy's work that have never seen a birth before, but they might want to keep it that way and Anthony is very nice but...Hmmmm, my birth is not something I think I want to share with a lot of people, especially co workers of daddy's that I don't really know very well.

Avrie: Mommy, you have to share, you have to be nice, even with boys and girls you don't know.

Cailin: You could have the baby at Ruth's house, she would let you, she is having her baby there.

Avrie: Joshua told me I'm little, I don't want him to see my baby come out.

Me: Ruth is a very nice friend and if I absolutely needed to, she would probably let me, but it probably wont come to that. I think I prefer to have my baby at my own house.

Cailin: Fine, we were just trying to make it fun for you. I guess you're just going to have to have your baby at home like everyone else...boring!

The funny thing about this conversation except it being absolutely bizarre and the fact that I an NOT pregnant or planning on being pregnant, that while listening to them, I don't think they realize that babies are born in hospitals, and funnier still, It seems they think that all babies are born in water. I'm going to let my crunchy girls live in their tree hugging natural Utopian bubble, as long as I can.

Don't grow so fast

*She's weaned! A little over a week.
*I'm sad, still very sad.
*I think it's because I'm not pregnant this time around.
*I'm also happy, or at least content.
*It was completely her own decision.
*I feel like she is still such a baby, my baby.
*Deep inside I fear for her health, for the next time she gets sick.
*She still loves to cuddle up close to them, in the morning and at night.
*I've felt like less of a mom this past week, I hope that feeling goes away soon.
*Its my first break from nursing in 6 years, I miss it already.
*I'm getting teary eyed just writing this post.
*I've lost a part of who I am. The crazy lady who nurses her kids 'till they're 3.
*I know my kids have benefited physically, mentally and emotionally.
*I have to let go. I have to let go. I have to let go. I have to let go.
*There...it's gone...

Happy Weaning Avrie! You're a big girl now. I love you!

I'm from a family of list makers

On Saturday I had a whole slew (is that an actual word) of things to do and many different stores and places to do them in. So, naturally I made a list.
COSTCO- Milk
Pancake Mix
Eggs
Spinach Ravioli
I know, who goes to Costco for 4 things? I do. If I actually got everything we needed and would use and Steve saw that purchase on our Debit of $200...he would literally sh@# his pants. It makes absolutely no difference to him if we used every ounce of everything we bought, he does not like big purchases. No, I take that back. He doesn't like big perishable purchases. He has no problem whatsoever buying a $150...GPS system. Was is really $150? No! It was $200...was is really $200? No, it was $250. Finally the truth emerges as I give him one last chance while holding an enormous sharp kitchen knife (I was just chopping onions) okay okay okay, it was $299...I swear. (He says its for me, I guarantee it will enter my car maybe twice in the next 2 years) Anyways, I digress...on with my list.

POST OFFICE- Stamps (never purchased these, instead I used my $0.90 international stamps to mail a check to my friend 3 blocks away. Pathetic! )
Mail packages - I did almost all of this. I again used my $0.90 international stamps and guesstimated on the weight of each one. If none come back, I will then know I possess super powers to measure the weight or ANYTHING!! I didn't mail the package to my niece and nephew in France because then I would have had to go into the post office.

EXTRA - Easter dresses (dd this)
Church shoes
B-day gift for Rachel (did this)
B-day gift for Tyler (did this)
Easter basket gifts (I will have to accomplish this without the kids, our bunny just
gives a game and a chocolate bunny)
Mascara (did not do, how can I do this, it takes forever)
Toothpaste
Water bottle (I have absolutely no idea what this means. I wrote it, its in my
writing, it makes no sense. Hmmmm, maybe I was just thirsty
at the time I wrote this list, 1am Friday night, I bought a bottle of Aquafina and drank it)

GROCERIES - Syrup
grapes
apples
bananas (Safeway had NONE, not even in the back, was there some big freeze I didn't
hear about?)
rice
chocolate chips
Parmesan cheese (we go through this like its water, Avrie has a slight
obsession, I think we spend about $30/month on
Parmesan cheese)
drinking grocery store
lettuce
broccoli (yes, my kids eat it and strangely...love it)
yogurt (3 different kinds, one for me, one for Avrie, one for Cailin, complicated)
strawberries (on sale - 2 for 1)
red bell pepper

Okay, does something on the above list not fit, not make sense, is just bizarre? Yeah, I know...what the hell does "drinking grocery store" mean? There was absolutely no way to interpret that to make any kind of sense. Again, in my writing, in black and white, clear as day (that saying doesn't really work here in Seattle) To be able to decipher that into some sort of purchase would have taken some pretty savvy detective work. In the end I took it to mean buy 2 additional boxes of thin mint girl scout cookies from the miniature green and brown cookie pushers at the entrance to the grocery store. I thought that was safe detective work and nobody got hurt.

What's in a name?

Don't you hate it when you call someone by the wrong name?
Don't you hate it when you call someone by the wrong name twice?
Don't you hate it when you call someone by the wrong name three times?
Don't you hate it when you write someone a check with the wrong name on it?
Don't you hate it when you write them a second check with the wrong name on it again?
Don't you hate it when you blatantly introduce someone by the wrong name?
Now, wouldn't that suck if this all happened between you and a neighbor you have had for 2 years?
Guess what...it does suck!!!
Let me just reach down, grab my size 10 foot and clumsily shove it into my ridiculously inappropriate and socially awkward mouth.
And yet the story continues...
Continues? There was a story?
Yes, shut up and let me tell it!
So, my neighbor Christine...no Kimberly...no Christine...no Kimberly...lets just call her Eduardo, she came a ringin' on my doorbell to ask to borrow my vacuum cleaner. I then led her upstairs, introduced her with a completely incorrect name to my friend who was visiting. She (the neighbor) corrected me...for the 18th time (with a slight irritation in her voice...valid). I gave her my ridiculously heavy, but new vacuum to lug down my stairs and then back up hers. She asked if I needed it soon? Of course like all idiotic loaners do, I did the whole hand wave non complacent, slight giddy eye squint, head tilted slightly back and to the left "don't worry about it, use it as long as you need" gesture, my floors unfortunately at that very moment could have used a good run over with my good ole' friend Mr. Vacuum. She said she would return it the next morning. That was reasonable.
Saturday (the next day) - no vacuum return
Sunday - no vacuum return (Avrie has a small pile of dinner leftovers under her chair)
Monday - No vacuum
Tuesday -no vacuum (Avrie is now all set to open up a small restaurant underneath her chair)
Tuesday 8pm, I hear my neighbor leave so I run over to harass her teenage daughter for my
#@!* vacuum back. She nicely complies.
Why did I wait until my neighbor left before I went to ask for it back you ask? Refer to paragraph #1
Get it home. You can imagine my excitement. To hear all the dirt, food, crumbs, cat hair (did I mention we are cat sitting a cat), paper and all the other miscellaneous items left on my floor. The sound that makes, and then to go back over it again and hear the final filth going up...ahhhh like music to my ears.
BAM, BOOM, SMACK, JAB...go to use the hand held accessory, does not work AT ALL!! I took the vacuum completely apart...numerous times. I cant figure it out. So, now I have to take it to a repair place, they are going to charge me a butt load to fix it. Why am I paying for this and not my neighbor?
All because I cant remember her stupid name.
KIMBERLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When mommy takes the day off

Why does she have paint on the bottom of her foot? Where was the paint that she was able to step on it? Where is that paint now?

Cailin did come to me and ask if she could paint her sister's body with poster paint. That is a credit to Cailin not at all a Brownie point for mommy, because obviously, lazily I said "Yes, of course, why not."

You cant see it, but her belly button is painted pink. By the way, she is completely naked. Oh, then they used my nice hand towls to clean it up. Nice!

All by themselves!!!

This is what happens while mommy is holed up in her bedroom watching ridiculous court tv because there isn't anything else on until Dr. Phil and Oprah at 3pm. I just couldn't drag myself out of bed, I just had to find out why this lady stayed with her boyfriend for 11 months who smoke pot three times a day and then after they finally broke up, she loaned him money. I just had this incredible desire to see if he was going to have to pay her back. This is what happens when mommy takes a day off.
This is also exactly what happens when they are left with daddy for an hour. At least this took the whole day (okay...1/2 the day) while I was there.
Happy Friday

bathroom water...ew!

When one of my kids wakes up at night for a drink of water, I blindly search through their play kitchen and find a play cup for them to drink water from? The cup is so small I usually end up having to refill it numerous times from their bathroom sink before they've had their fill. If this is for Cailin she complains the whole time about the grossness of bathroom water and I get completely irritated with her. We argue the entire time about how irrational that is. In the amount of time that whole process takes, I could have walked the 15 feet back into my bedroom and grabbed my own water bottle for them, save the effort of refilling and not have to listen to Cailin bitching. But, how much fun would that be at 3:30 in the morning?

Happy Birthday Mark

EDITED

Two days ago was my brother Mark's birthday. Well, it would have been his birthday...I suppose it still is his birthday. He would have been 38 years old. Wow. It's so strange to think of him as a 38 year old man. Since he died at a mere 25 years old, that's what he always will be in my mind, just 25 years old. April has a great quote in one of her family scrapbooks...

To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. .... We live outside the touch of time. ~Clara Ortega

I love that quote. It's so true.
The reason I'm writing this blog 2 days after Mark's birthday is actually because I forgot his birthday until last night. Isn't that horrible? I should still have it written down, transferred from year to year, from calendar to calendar. But then, why? Isn't the only reason we actually write peoples birthdays down is so that we remember to call them, send them a card, make them a gift, throw them a party? Mark is gone, no more cards, phone calls, dinners, cakes. No more.

Mark was 6 years older than me. We were very close. I participated in all his organizations, hung out with him, we went shopping together. When he was alive I think that he and I were probably closer than any of my other siblings. During the last few months of his life we actually lived together, bought a house together so he could be near my parents. I helped bathe him, gave him his breathing treatments. Rubbed ointment on his sores. Helped him get dressed. Drove him to his numerous doctors appointments...everything. Those last 3 weeks, living in that house with him away in the hospital were horrible.
Then to receive that dreaded phone call from my mom, get to the hospital...you need to say goodbye. It was a Sunday, September 17, 1995 (not 2005). He struggled to breathe, everyone was racing from all parts of the country to get there. He stopped breathing at 3:15pm, after a morpine induced coma, his room was packed with family. I remember as he was taking his final breaths, silently begging for each next breath as my aunt wispered behind me, "Just go Mark, its all right, you can go, take your last breath and go, go home." That was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my entire life. Siblings are all suppose to grow old together. We are not suppose to die that young. For those first few years after he died even though it was only 1 person gone, it seemed like half the family was missing. From 6 siblings to 5, it felt so drastic.
The funeral was in the chapel. The time before that Mark was in a chapel was for...hmmmm I cant remember. It was for something important I know. But I do remember that he and his boyfriend came together and they were wearing coordinating suits...how cute. People refused to shake his hand, some pretended not to see him. That broke my heart. That's a main reason why I left the church for so long. They always say (like in that korny "Charly" book I just read), The gospel is perfect, the people are not. Hmmmm, I always have a hard time with that saying. There were those wonderful few who genuinely loved seeing him at church. Brother Addison and Brother Welker especially. They ended up speaking at his funeral. Mark would have loved that, he loved them and their examples.
I always wonder what kind of Uncle he would have been? Would he sit back and observe, would he get down on the floor and play with them, would he be the uncle that picks them up on a Saturday afternoon to take them to a movie and spoil them with anything and everything?
Would he have adopted kids of his own? Would he have eventually found a partner that truly loved him and he was head over heels for? Would he still be a huge AIDS activist? I like to think he would have been and done all of that.
Sometimes it saddens me that none of the grand kids were ever able to meet him, but at the same time I realize they met him, they met him before I met them. They knew the Mark with no lesions, with hair, no scars, no pain. They knew the Mark I always saw when I looked at him. How lucky for them, how sad they cant remember, but how lucky nonetheless.
I miss him, I miss him so horribly much I get intense sharp pains in my chest and so sick to my stomach I have to curl up in a ball. Sometimes my eyes are so swollen from crying it takes hours to recover. I wish he was here with us still. I wish I could call him on the phone and tell him about my day and my family. I wish I could confide in him. But its for reasons like this I am so glad I'm a religious person. How much more horrible it would be if I thought I would never see him again, talk to him again, touch him again. If I thought there were no such things as souls or spirits and all that remains is what's buried under the ground and will one day be no more. What a depressing thought. I know Ill see him again, I know he is able to make new and better choices where he is now. I know he knows we love him and think about him. Even if I cant talk to him I know he knows about my day, my family and my problems.
So, Happy Birthday Mark...I love you!